Once upon a time there was a man and a woman who fell in love. They spent a number of years in loving companionship and intimacy. But one day (as it inevitably does) one of them noticed the other was not so cuddly anymore. The random kisses were no longer given and little hurts seem to happen from day to day. Intimacy dried up and then, of course, the day came when you least want or expect it. “We need some space from each other”. These words can be delivered in the nicest most considerate manner but will nothing short of tear your heart out.
“Why” will be first. “What did I do” is next followed quickly by “Who are they sleeping with”. There are three main hits you take from the breakup of a relationship you were otherwise happy in. Firstly there is the mental nightmare of trying to understand what happened, especially when more often than not they are no longer speaking to you. Secondly there is the hit on your self-esteem. Nobody thinks having to deal with the thought that someone you love just simply doesn’t want to be with you anymore. Most of us make it mean something horrible about ourselves. The third hit is the loss of mutual friends and the embarrassment of seeing what you thought were loyal friends moving into the other person’s camp so to speak and no longer speaking or hanging out with you either.
It is a form of grief and runs through the predictable phases of Shock and Denial (Avoidance, Confusion, Fear, Numbness, Blame), Anger (Frustration, Anxiety, Irritation, Embarrassment, Shame) , Depression and Detachment (Being overwhelmed, Lack of Energy, Helplessness), Dialogue and Bargaining (Reaching out to others, Finding meaning and a way forward), Acceptance (Exploring new options, Getting over it).
It is often in the first three phases that we are desperately wanting to persuade the other person back. Ideally if we can reach the fourth and fifth stages before we take action on that we are better able to emotionally deal with the challenge. But is it actually possible to do? Once they walk can you really win your ex back? Of course you say. I know plenty of couples that got back together….right….?
Absolutely! You are perfectly right! There is no relationship in existence that can’t be saved with the right approach and the right ‘techniques’. No matter how horrible the break up was and no matter what has happened since there are things to be done and things to be said that can bring your partner back into your arms.
There are many steps you can take which we will show in our ongoing articles but here is an important first step. Sit down, relax and take your mind back to your first week together. Remember what was there for both of you. Visualise those initial courting moments and then remember, you are in charge of this and you can make the difference and take the steps to win back your ex. See you in a week!